Poolside MILF
Poolside MILF

I have a confession. When I go to the pool, one of the first things I do is look for her. Who is she, you ask? It’s pretty simple. She is the one woman who is the worst looking person at the pool. (This is a judgment-free space, right?) Once I spot her, I breathe a little easier. I’m talking about the woman who looks a hot mess.

So, on a recent vacation with the fam, I landed at the pool with dem babies and searched high and low for her. When I couldn’t spot her, it hit me - she was ME! I had convinced myself that because I am a mom now, I didn’t need to be as concerned with looking fab at the pool. Honey, I took a look around at women of every shade, shape, and size and then looked at myself and gasped. How had I become…HER? Oy vey!

Like many women, I had let myself go. I was a mom now…the kids came first. You know the script; I don’t need to read it to you. If I’m being honest, I’d gotten lazy. My kids looked Gap model search ready and I looked worn out. Then and there, I declared: No More! Not only was I going to be hot at the pool for the next vacation; I was going to be hawt…haute, even. I learned that I didn’t need to spend grocery money to do so nor did I need to look like a garden tool. l just needed to put in a little effort. As my gift to you, here’s how to look like a (respectable) poolside MILF, regardless of budget or size:

1. Get a suit…that fits

I used to be able to buy suits from certain retailers where many teens and young thangs shop, but things have shifted and grown and grown and shifted and I realized I need to go in another direction. In short, get your bootay to a grown person’s swimwear department. There’s one in every department store and you know what else is there…a fitting room. Sure, those three-way mirrors are brutal but they’re also telling. If you can’t stand to see yourself in the suit, don’t buy it. Ask a salesperson to help you find something flattering. Need to enhance the upper region, they have it. Need to do some creative workarounds on the bottom, they have that too. When you walk out of that store, you should feel confident and proud. Your girls (read: breasts) should be secure, your suit should not rise into your nether region (read: your butt), and no one should be able to see your c-section scar. No one wants to be at the pool with someone who is scared to walk around or get in the pool. Don’t be THAT person.

2. Coverups matter

Coverups have come such a long way. Get one that can get you into breakfast at your vacation destination without others having to cover the eyes of their kids and one that you can get into and out of pretty easily once poolside. And remember that it is called a coverup because its purpose is to cover up. Stay out of the preteen section, get rid of your spring break PBR oversized tank, and get something that works for you. Light weight maxi dresses work brilliantly as do covers that look like shirt dresses. My rule of thumb is that you should be able to sit without your bottom fully touching the seat and you should not have to constantly pull. Get a fabric that is lightweight and doesn’t hold moisture. You want to be easy breezy.

3. I heart mascara

My must-have on any day is mascara and that includes when I’m at the pool. I put a couple coats of waterproof black liquid magic on my lashes and I instantly feel prettier. I know women who get their lashes dyed or get extensions before vacation. The eyes frame the face and when you’re getting soaked by the sun, we all could use a little help. Elle magazine has done the heavy lifting for us with a comprehensive list of waterproof mascaras: Take a look at Elle's list

4. Bag it

Ditch that cray cray beach bag and get something that you would actually be proud to carry. Your bag should seamlessly go from the pool or ocean to cocktails at the bar. (I mean, it could happen.) Look for cute totes in beach-friendly fabrics. It should be able to hold your and your family’s essentials (phone, ID, sunscreen, possibly smaller toys depending on your children’s ages) and you should be able to find things quickly. Your shoulder should not drop to your knee when you pick it up. If you're headed to a resort or high-end hotel, much of what you’ll need will be available onsite (for purchase or to borrow). I still carry my Marc Jacobs Standard Supply Bag (cuz I’m retro like that) but swoon for a personalized bag. There are (literally) statement bags (I’m about to cop this one.)

Beach Bag

5. Self-tanner magic

Pasty thighs? No, thank you. Jergens makes a dynamite and cost-effective self tanner that you can start applying to your body as soon as you book your vacation. (Bonus: They also sell one that firms.) There are many other brands at a variety of price points. Get your bronze on.

Make those pool boys drool…pant, even. Make your husband wonder “what’s gotten into her.” Keep those other woman at the pool in search of HER, because honey, she is not you!

Jergens Natural Glow
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